Thursday, December 23, 2010

Though He Slay Me

I had to think fast.  I couldn't though.  I was speechless.

And heartbroken.  And, truth be told, scared.

This was supposed to be the moment we told the world.  At least those in our world.  There would be pictures, high fives, and congratulations.

This visit was supposed to be routine.

It was anything but.

My wife cried on the phone.

"There was nothing there."

"They tried four times but found nothing."

Miscarriage.

My heart sinks in pain.  Though I am at my desk at work, my vision gets blurry, my throat dry, my mind starts racing.  A hundred thoughts running through my head, each searching for a place to land.  Trying to be the man, reaching for solutions to a problem that I will never solve.

I had heard the term before, but it's one that had never held a personal interest.  Now, it was ours.  Just like that, all the joy and planning and hope are gone.

For the doctor, though, it's purely mechanical.  No emotion, just checkmarks on a list.  Sign here, check here, appointment next week.  D & C a week after that.  The tears barely get noticed.  There are, of course, other patients to see, and besides, there's nothing more to do here. 

Three weeks later, tears still show up every now and then.  There have been two visits to the ER, each one slashing away at what little hope was left.

There are questions.  Guilt.  What if?  There's many reasons to get bitter.  Did the stress of work contribute?  Why did they not help?  Why was the doctor so cold?  Why....?

And yet, it does not matter.  None of that can reverse what has happened.

But, even now, the anger fades into resolve, and then resolve gains new life as hope.

We still have much to be thankful for.

Some say religion is a crutch.  That's okay, I guess.  Sometimes, the best you can do is try to walk, though with a limp.  These times, I can use a crutch.

Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him.  Job 13:15

6 comments:

Me said...

I'm sorry to hear this. But God has His plans, and He cares for us, and He never gives us more pain than we can handle, nor does He ignore us when we're hurting.

Rev. Paul said...

Our second pregnancy resulted in a miscarriage, but we had a successful third & a beautiful, intelligent young lady who's now 15, just 11 months after the loss.

Like the song says, "Sometimes He calms the storm, and sometimes He calms the child [us]".

Sometimes trusting Him is the only (and hardest) thing we can do, but He will see you through this.

Christina LMT said...

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

Rick O' Shea said...

Oh, man. I am so, so sorry.
My condolences and certainly my prayers go out to you.

This will pass, and joy will follow, but right now there is only the pain.

Do Not feel guilty.
This was no one's fault - certainly not yours.
This happens, and all too frequently. The doctor probably wasn't being cold, just clinical. He probably sees this enough that if he didn't detach himself, he'd be a bubbling mess by the end of the day.
It's just his way of coping. Hard not to take it personally, but don't.

Again, my sincere and heartfelt sorrow for your loss. May the Blessings of the Season comfort you and your wife, and the New Year bring Joy and Hope.

Rick

Brigid said...

I am so sorry. At Christmas 31 years ago, I gave birth in a hospital after 34 hours of labor. I was a teenager. When I was done, I stroked the wisp of red blond hair, held her for a moment and then handed her over to two people who had been through your heartache again and again.

I do know your pain, and I do know that through the pain there will be great joy, somehow, some day, when you least expect it.

Lawyer said...

Thank you all for your kind words. I really appreciate it.